Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
