Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
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