I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
