My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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