Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
