people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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