walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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