Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
