Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
