Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We're not piercing ourselves today.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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