The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He kissed a someone with a penis
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
