I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
