Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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