so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
