i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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