I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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