I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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