Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
