um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
