Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
