so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
