Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
