I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
