I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
