Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Found the puke drawer
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
