Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How does one acquire holy water?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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