Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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