Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
operation have a gay friend backfired
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
