all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
