Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
