my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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