bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
