In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
