Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
