I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
