Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
