I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
