Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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