Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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