bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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