They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
