Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
