She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
