So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
