Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
