I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
