Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
