shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
