I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
