Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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