My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
