If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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