Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
