You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
