Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize