Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
