Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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