i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
