I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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