After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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