Got a toothbrush?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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