i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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